Russian Adoption Diary: Thank You

Monday, May 05, 2008

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to all of you for all of your help. All of your info was quite helpful. The most helpful posts were the ones from those of you who know where I am. I felt so alone. No one I knew could understand what I was going through. No one understood. Here is part of a poem I found that expressed my feelings so well.

I am tired and I can't bear it, I think I will break,
surely no one else lives like this
No one else has these FAS days.
It must be me, a problem in how I chose them to raise.
Maybe I don't punish enough maybe I am to short on the praise
OH Please someone help me, tell me it will one day be okay.
Tell me what to do right, what never to say.
I am lost in a world I have so few skills to live in
I don't know what to do. I feel like I have no friends.

I no longer feel this desperation. I know that there are others out there that do understand. I also have accepted the gift God has given us. At first, I was in denial that they had problems. Now, I realize that they probably have many problems, much deeper than I ever imagined or thought. I kept thinking love would make it all okay. Now I know that love helps but may not cure all and have accepted what has been given to us from above. I will continue to love them just for who they are and will entrust them into God's hands.

Now I know that they are different...special. I have to deal with them differently than the other four. I have talked to many people over the last few weeks. I have heard a lot. I have made a ton of calls and so has my mother trying to get this figured out. Basically, I don't think we'll get a diagnosis before we leave. FASD is such a new area that many don't know a whole lot about. Therefore, it is very difficult to get into the doctors that do the testing.

We have found one child psychologist who will do cognitive and neuropsych tests on them, but she even said she can't diagnose it. I have talked on the phone and in person to several "special needs"/special ed. professionals. Here's some of the info I gleaned from just telling them the behaviors they are displaying.

First of all, they feel that we are dealing with not one, but multiple issues. They feel that there is some FASD (somewhere on the spectrum). One said that the things they were displaying sounds more like drug babies predominately, with alcohol mixed in. We know their mom was involved with both drugs and alcohol. It has also been highly suggested that we are dealing with RAD, still adjusting to the language (which the above complicates), failure to thrive (in their first 5 years), and multiple learning disabilities (many due to the above).

All in all, I don't know where we will go from here. I don't know if we will have them tested by the child psychologist if that's all she can tell us. I also don't think a lot can be accomplished diagnosis-wise before we leave. Therefore, I have decided to learn all I can about the issues and get as much advice as possible, esp. on educating them since I will be their teacher.

When all is said and done, I feel a lot better just being able to accept their difference and know that there are others alongside me. I am willing to do whatever it takes to give them the best shot at life as possible. I am dealing with everything a lot better just knowing that I am not alone in this, that there are others who deal with this every day too and can understand that even though they look normal, they are not. I am learning how to love them in a deeper way and have a different outlook on who they are. My expectations are lowered, not because I don't have high hopes for them, but because they are not able to go to the level I once thought. This helps everyone in the long run.

I will continue to learn and love. Thank you to all of you who helped. Keep it coming.

posted by 6blessings @ 5:00 AM

3 Comments:

At 10:45 AM, Melissa said…

I am dreading the day when my daughter undoubtedly will hit that brick wall. I know that she may never have a learning disability, but there is a big chance and other issues related to FASD that she will and has faced so far. It will be a long road, but we can do it.
At 7:27 PM, Maggie said…

Acceptance is a big part of it. I know with Slugger there are issues that he will never grow out of. It's brain impairment, pure and simple. But I can help him understand why he has trouble with some things and learn how to manage it. For example, Slugger will never be able to make a complex decision the way most people do. But I can give him the tools to narrow things into categories, then make a decision. That, along with empathy, cause/effect, and emotional regulation, are not things that come naturally to him. They never will. But he can learn to control it.

Slugger has a whole list of diagnoses -- RAD, FAE, Sensory Deprivation, PTSD, ADHD, Adjustment disorder, anxiety, and depression. I also think he's a candidate for an ODD diagnosis.

It makes it hard, no doubt. But what I've learned about Slugger is his brain works in a different and unexpected way. He has these amazingly creative trains of thought. He never limits himself or his dreams. So, yes, it's hard. But if I can help Slugger learn to manage his disorders, he has unbounded potential. Most people's minds don't work in such a limitless way. If he can harness that talent, I can only imagine how far he'll go.

The same holds true with the bwins. Where they have challenges they also will have gifts.
At 7:55 PM, Jennefer said…

((hugs))

I hope you are getting the help you need. I was just like you - in a kind of la la denial with the issues Piney brought with her. They are not the same, but these kids are different then our bio kids and they need different parenting and help. It is so hard to know what to do. Everyone only wants to hear the good, happy things. It sounds like you know what to do (to get help and support) and have a great attitude. I always learn from you.