| Tuesday, August 08, 2006 |
| Reality Issues |
Lately, my posts have been very upbeat and that is how our life is most of the time. God has truly blessed us with a beautiful family and the boys are so precious. However, I know many of you are waiting to go to court to bring kiddos home. I am aware that many of them are not older like ours, but I still felt a need to post some reality issues. I am not posting these because I am an expert. I am posting them just to inform. Believe me, I am definitely NOT an expert. I feel like I stumble through my days just doing the best I can and trying to make it through to the next day.
Preface: Not every adoption is the same, not even close. Therefore, I am just sharing some of the things we are experiencing.
1. Night Terrors, totally different from nightmares.
The boys had these most of the nights we were in Russia and for a few nights once we arrived back in the States. They would bolt upright in bed screaming. They would push us away, practically beat us off out of fear. It was horrible to see. The pediatrician explained the difference between nightmares and night terrors is the awake factor. A child will wake up from a nightmare. They will still be asleep in a night terror. In the case of the latter, he said to wake them up and calm them down. Most of the time, if we could just get ahold of them, they would melt in our arms and continue sleeping peacefully.
2. Aggression
The first few days, L was a little aggressive in play and just casually. He would hit at my face. I simply told him no and took his hand and made him rub my face. I would speak softly saying, "Gentle to Momma, Love Momma". Within a few days, he would start to hit and then stop his hand. He would begin stroking my face and talking softly. I think he was somewhat mocking my voice, but it worked.
3. Fits
There are several different forms of these. However, the ones we have experienced most is not getting their way. They do not like being told "no". They seem to think that if they want something, everyone should give them whatever they want when they want it. Sounds like any average kid, huh? Their reaction however is to stomp off and go hide somewhere, sometimes whimpering, sometimes crying. We have handled this by standing our ground, letting them pout for a few minutes and then going in and loving on them.
4. Rejection/Hurt
They feel rejected if they do anything wrong or think they did. For example, L spilled his milk at the table the other night. He immediately had a look of utter fear sweep across his face. I talked calmly and proceeded to wipe it up, talking softly and letting him know it was okay. He looked as if he was about to cry and ducked his head in shame. I hugged him, gave him more milk, and sat down to resume the meal. He seemed suprised that I was not upset. A few minutes later, he spilled it all over his plate. His reaction was much better this time. Another example was when L, not knowing what he was doing, started to try to pick up H's 3D puzzle she had worked very hard to put together. I had a knee-jerk reaction and quickly said, "No, stop." I was not angry, but the sense of urgency in my voice sent him running and hiding. In Moscow, E wet his bed one night. The next morning, L came to us, but E didn't. I called to him, but he wouldn't come. I finally went to him and within a few feet I smelled why he did not come. Apparently he had gone early into the night because everything except his clothes were pretty dry. I held him and told him it was okay, but he wouldn't look at me for a long time.
At these times, the boys will duck their head and turn away. They will generally go hide somewhere, usually in a corner or behind a door. It is absolutely pathetic looking and tears my heart in two every time. For the first week or two, they would simply pout and whimper. Now, they sometimes cry. Sometimes there will be tears with no noise. Sometimes there will be noise with no tears. When approached, they will turn away in shame and rejection. We will pick them up and they will cling to us tightly. I usually will rock them for a while, sometimes a long while, and they will be okay. They are just beginning to understand they should come to me if they are injured, although many times they do not.
5. Potty training regression
Generally, this area has been good. We seem to experience an accident every couple of days or so. They will not tell anyone. They will just stay in their wet clothes. I'm not making a big deal of it. I simply ask them if they've gone in their undies and then we go change. They carry their laundry to the hamper and then it's over. We have had only a few night instances and I think they were just incredibly tired.
These are just a few of the things we have been experiencing, take them or leave them. Some days are mostly good with very little instances. Others are filled with fit throwing and hurt feelings, like yesterday. I spent more time in the rocking chair or running interference than anywhere else.
Overall, everything is good. I feel very blessed with all my children. I couldn't have asked for a better 6!! |
posted by 6blessings @ 8:26 PM  |
|
| 9 Comments: |
-
I hear you! We adopted in December, a 1 year old and a 3 year old and have many of the same issues. It's a wonderful journey and we wouldn't have it any other way, but there are challenges...and you just named ours :-)
-
It's good to post this info, Kim. It isn't negative -- it's just reality. Posting it may help someone else down the road.
I didn't have these exact same issues with Peanut, but I definitely had some similar things. When you mentioned how they're learning to come to you if they get hurt it rang a bell. Peanut fell off his bike not long after he was here. He was scraped and bleeding and still he said "Ni Chevo!" (No big deal.) Later, when he learned he could come to me and getting some cuddling when he was hurt he started blowing every tiny hangnail out of proportion. In fact, he even started to fake things. One morning he was faking a limp (I knew because he switched feet). I brought him to day camp anyway and called in an hour to check on him. He was running around limp-free playing football!
-
Kim, it breaks my heart to read about E & L having night terrors. I couldn't stop crying while thinking about it. I can't imagine everything the children have been through and the things parents must go through to help their children know they are loved unconditionally and they can trust their forever families.
Thank you so much for sharing! While I can read books about what to expect, nothing speaks more than personal experience. You are an incredible Mom and the boys are lucky to have you and D as their parents!
-
Thanks so much for posting this. I agree with Tina it helps to hear the personal experience. The boys seem to be learning that you will always love them. That is great.
You story about the boys all wrestling with their dad in my comments was cute. :-)
-
Thanks for this post, Kim. I noticed that Bonnie hits when we were at the orphanage. She thinks its very funny, and I know that she is playing. But she does try to hit in the face also. We will probably have some similar issues. You're so helpful by posting this stuff.
-
This is a very important post. Thanks for your honesty about how things are going. It sounds like the behavior is pretty typical. It will be an adjustment, but I bet they grow and learn so fast!
-
Great post Kim. We have faced many of these same realities with our two kids (adopted at age 3 and 4 last December), and some of it was quite hard. Finally after 7 months, the kids are going to bed OK and sleeping through the night (with a few exceptions). The hitting and spitting is becoming a rare occurance, and both kids have no hesitation coming to my husband or I for comfort. They still do throw fits, and we are working through that. Some of it is typical kid behavior, but most of it comes from fears rooted deep in their pasts. It is definitely not a journey for the weak of heart, but every step of the way is worth it.
-
Kim, thank you so much. I learn so much from you.
-
thank you for sharing this information. It will help the rest of us, when we come upon these issues.
|
| |
| << Home |
| |
|
|
I hear you! We adopted in December, a 1 year old and a 3 year old and have many of the same issues. It's a wonderful journey and we wouldn't have it any other way, but there are challenges...and you just named ours :-)