Russian Adoption Diary: 7 Months...Still Learning

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

7 Months...Still Learning

Today marks 7 months since the boys came home. We have had many ups and downs. In some respects, it has gone better than expected. In other ways, we've had some surprises and it has been difficult. Emotionally, it can be quite draining. However, the good times outweigh all of the hard ones.

Sometimes, I think we've made great progress on some fronts only to have regression. I suppose that is normal. Last night, I had another eye-opener on something that I thought had been learned but I realize may take a very long time.

El got up several times after he had been put to bed last night. He never bothered us, he just had several "bathroom" trips. As I was going to bed last night (an hour and a half after he was put to bed), I heard noise in their room and decided to check on them one last time. As I opened the door to my room, I could see their door. El was just standing in the doorway. Our conversation went as follows:

"What are you doing?"

"I need bafwoom(bathroom)."

"Again? You've gone a lot tonight."

He drops his head.

I lower myself to the floor in the hallway and motion for him to come sit on my lap.

He immediately comes, wraps his arms around me and squeezes me tight for several seconds.

At this point, I realize something is up more than just putting off going to bed.

"Are you scared?"

"Yes."

"What are you scared of?"

Immediately, "I don't know."

"It's okay, Stas. You can tell Mama. What are you scared of?"

"I don't know."

"Mama loves you. You can tell Mama. What is it?"

"I scared of... (long pause, head lowers)....monsters."

He didn't cry, but he wiped his eyes several times and looked ashamed. He would look up then when his eyes would catch mine, he'd duck his head back down.

I hugged him tightly and then began informing him that he lived with Mama and Papa now. We don't allow monsters in our house. I tell him that one of the jobs of a Mama and Papa is to protect their children from monsters and to keep them out of our house. I tell him that we won't allow monsters in our home, so he is safe.

He gives me a long hug.

Now, as a mom of six, I've certainly had my share of monster scares. What was different about this one? He didn't come to me. Before, all my other children would have come to me and told me. I have been woken up at night many times because of monster fear. Not this time. El was facing his fears all alone.

I began to realize that over the past few weeks he's had a lot of "bathroom" runs after being put to bed. How many times have I gone to sleep or watched him doing that, told him to go to bed, and sent him in to be scared on his own?

After hugging for a minute, I pulled him back, looked him in the eye and told him that he can come to me any time he is scared. The boys have been with us 7 months now and they have never entered our room at night, not once. I told him that even if Mama is asleep, he can come into my room, wake me up, tell me that he is scared, and I will hold him. I told him several times, just in case he didn't understand. He gave me a big hug again and smiled. I still don't think I will see him at night yet, but at least maybe he will begin to understand that he can come to me if he needs me.

"Do you want me to go lay down with you?"

He nods yes.

"Do you have to go to the bathroom(just in case)?"

He nods his head no.

I lay down with him while he tosses and turns for a while, sitting up to look around once before he took my hand in his, laid it across his chest, held on tight, and fell asleep.

Progress comes in little steps I guess. They are learning a lot as their world is changing. I am learning a lot as I find out all of the "normals" may not be so normal. Such as in this case, what seemed to be normal kid "putting off going to sleep", ended up being a child dealing with fear on his own. I have found that I must pray every day that the Lord will open my eyes to their needs, that I would see past the "front" and see into their hearts and souls. There is so much there that I don't understand and so much more than I might ever realize. I just want to be the best mom I can to them and help them in whatever way possible, no matter how long it takes. I don't want them suffering alone.

posted by 6blessings @ 5:01 AM

8 Comments:

At 9:56 AM, kate said…

Oh, this post just made my heart hurt for him. I'm so glad he has you to chase away the monsters.
At 11:01 AM, Deb said…

Glad you were able to see past and start helping him be comforted.
That's a great way to pray for the boys. It's never to early to start praying for our kiddo I think I will add that to my own prayers.

Thanks!
At 11:08 AM, CA Momma said…

I know, it's so hard- my son didn't come to me or my DH for a while. It hurts when you REALLY realize that they are USED to facing everything alone.
At 7:46 PM, Maggie said…

Oh, the poor kiddo. I hope he does learn to come to you when frightened. I'm so glad you figured out the real reasons behind the potty trips.

Once Peanut wet the bed a little when he was here. He came downstairs to tell me and he was mortified. He seemed truly shocked when I wasn't angry and instead gave him a hug.
At 7:46 PM, Maggie said…

p.s. It was so fun chatting with you tonight!
At 9:44 AM, jessy said…

Isn't it strange the things we take for granted are huge steps of progress for them? Like coming for kisses on booboos and asking for help with their shoes. We think of those things as 'natural' but for them it is 'natural' to fend for themselves.
At 9:40 AM, Rhonda said…

I can really relate to this post right now. A parent in Russia who had adopted previously told me that it can take one or even two years for the kids to adjust. At the time, I thought, "oh no way". But NOW, I can completely see how it takes that long. My kids are going through the SAME thing right now. I love the line about how its your job to protect against monsters. I am going to use that.
At 11:57 AM, Anonymous said…

i just happened to pass by. i read it slowly and i am in tears... i don't know you, but i already have developed so much respect for you. human emotions... so complicated... hope to hear more from you. i'm suddenly getting a feeling there is so much more to life...