Russian Adoption Diary: Lasts and Firsts

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Lasts and Firsts

Life is full of "lasts" and "firsts". I have experienced many of these with my children. Before my first daughter was born, I was so excited, but also nervous. I realized that life would drastically change, and it did! We didn't know when I'd go into labor, so every day was full of wondering about lasts. Will this be our last meal with just the two of us? Will this be the last night with just the two of us? You get the idea. After she came, life was filled with firsts. The first time we laid eyes on her, the first time we walked into our home with her, the first night(it was horrible!), the first smile, first step, first word, etc.

Three years later, I went through another series of lasts. For some reason this was the most impacting on me. One morning I drove H to her Mother's Day Out class. I hugged her extra tight when I sent her into her class that morning. Then I stood at the door watching her play and cried. Her life was about to change forever. It had been just the three of us for so long. How in the world would she cope? Would I have enough room in my heart? She was being invaded. I walked out, got in my car, and drove to the hospital to have a c-section that would bring twin girls into the world. Life would never be the same. Now it again was filled with firsts. The first time H saw her sisters, the first time she held them, the first time it was all the girls not just H and me, the first night, first smiles, first steps, first words, etc.

Again, two and a half years later, we went through another series of lasts. This time we didn't know when it was going to come, but each day was full of wondering. Would this be our last meal with just the 5 of us? When dad was gone to work, I would wonder if it was the last day that it would be "just the girls". You see, this time I was having a boy. What are little boys like? Would I have enough room for in my heart for one more? Would the others be cheated out of 'mom' time? How would I handle another one? Again, the lasts were replaced with firsts. The first time I laid eyes on my baby boy, the first time I used the word "son", the first time his sisters doted on him and mothered him, the first night, the first smiles, first steps, first words, etc.

Now I found myself in this familiar spot again. As I had my children at the McDonalds playplace yesterday, I watched as all four of them gathered around a video game and played together. They are so close, what will 2 new brothers bring? The boys will need so much attention when we get home and we will be separated so long from these four, how will I manage to balance everything out and meet all of their needs? I stared at my four beautiful children and felt overwhelmed with emotion. Then last night, very late, I was heading to bed. I checked on all of the girls then I went to my son's room. It hit me like a brick that this was yet another last- the last time he slept in his room by himself. The next time he slept there, it would no longer be "his" room, it would be "the boys'" room. I laid on the bottom bunk where our new sons will sleep. The bed is ready, the pillows are fluffed, and the stuffed animals are placed. Will my heart be able to handle two more? Will little J get along with these new boys? Can I balance everything and everyone?

I have come to realize that every last has a little bit of grief that comes with it. Grief over losing life as we know it. However, through the years, I have also realized that when there are lasts, there are many firsts that follow. Our firsts will be different this time. It will not be first steps, first smiles, first words. It will be first words in English, the first time my kids meet their brothers, the first time they ride on a plane, the first time they run to me with their scratched knees, their first McDonalds, their first trip to the zoo. We missed all of those early firsts, but there is a whole new world of firsts. Thanks to my bloggy friend, I realize this. We have five years of first to make up with them.

Now I'm going to add one more last. This will most likely be my last post before leaving the U.S. to go to Russia for court. From here on out, life will again be full of firsts.

posted by 6blessings @ 4:56 AM

8 Comments:

At 6:48 AM, Anonymous said…

Have a great trip- can't wait to hear all the details.
At 7:48 AM, Anonymous said…

You will have room in your heart and you will have time to give each one of your six children just what they need. I know this because I know my daughter!!!! And I know her past record!!! What I don't know is will she have enough time to take care of herself? Ha Only "mom" would say that!!! Things will go well and your four now will choose to pull these new little ones into their fold too. How do I know that? Because I know them and I know their past record!! It took Hannah a little while to adapt to the twins but even that didn't take too long and with Josiah there seemed to be NO problem with anyone adapting. It will all work out wonderfully but I do understand your VERY MOTHERLY feelings. I love you Kim. Mom
At 7:49 AM, Anonymous said…

Kim, your words are always so moving and thought-provoking. As you know, L has been an only child for 17 years. Many times I wonder "What impact will this REALLY have? Will the changes be too much? Of course, he is excited about having sisters, but you make me realize how much I should REALLY enjoy these "lasts" with him before the girls get home. Thanks for such inspiration! I'm so thankful for you! And I can't wait to see you in ATL tomorrow! Tina
At 12:44 PM, A Room to Grow said…

travel safe - and hope to hear from you soon. good luck in court. we'll be cheering for you over here!
At 2:55 PM, Suzanne said…

that was beautiful . . . thank you
At 5:38 PM, Elle said…

Kim, I wish you and Damon all the best. I can't wait to hear the good news that you are officially a mom to six!
At 6:46 PM, Maggie said…

That was a beautiful post. And you're so right. The firsts will be different this time -- but they'll be just as special.
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous said…

Your posts always give me chills. I can totally relate to that feeling when everything is going to change. I remember standing outside of my highschool after graduation and knowing life was never going to be the same, but not know what that meant for me exactly. That is the scary thing about change. It is exciting and scary. But change is what life is all about and I know your family will all embrace these new boys and impact their lives in such a great way. You will all be blessed. I hope you have a great trip. I look forward to hearing about it.