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| Wednesday, August 23, 2006 |
| Medical Issues/Deep Emotional Pain |
I think that I posted before about L having had many medical problems. One problem stems from the fact that he ingested some kind of chemical sometime in the past that burned his esophogus and stomach. He has a scar on his belly (old fashioned stitching) and a hole too. The doctor in Moscow explained the treatment he had. They ran a tube down his nose and out this hole in his belly. On it was a plastic ball. They pulled it back and forth in his esophogus to "stretch" it back out. He had this procedure done on several occasions.
After we saw the pediatrician several weeks ago, he made appointments for the boys with several specialists. L had an appointment with a GI doctor at Children's Hospital in Oklahoma City. It was for September 5. They told us if he had trouble to call and they'd get him in sooner. Well, Saturday, he had trouble. It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced with one of my kids. I consider myself a fairly seasoned mom, ready for many things. I was not ready for Saturday.
We were eating lunch. Everything was normal. I looked around and L was staring at me- kind of that dazed out look kids get. D and I talked and said he looked really tired. Everyone was tired. We planned for an early bedtime for everyone. Then I looked back at L. He was looking the same. The only difference was his eyes were following me. All of a sudden I realized something wrong was happening. I jumped up. About that time he spit up some apple he was chewing, but it wasn't over. He continued to have trouble for 15-20 minutes. We took him to the bathroom over the toliet. He had saliva coming up. He was making a terrible struggling noise. D called it a gurgling noise. He was breathing through his nose, so we didn't rush him anywhere. We tried several things and finally it started calming down. I called the pediatrician's office and they had a nurse at Children's call me. She said she thought he had a piece of food lodged in his esophogus and because of the damage, he had gone into esophogial spasms. She said to call and get an earlier appointment.
I did and we went yesterday. The doctor was wonderful. He said that he probably had a total obstruction on Saturday. We discussed future episodes and what to do. Then he scheduled a barium swallow later in the afternoon. We registered with the x-ray department and then ran home for a few hours. We later went back and had the swallow done. The doctor wanted to see us afterwards. We went back to his office and waited on results. They were good. They had suspected that his airway was closing in again, but it wasn't. He said it looked normal width. It did confuse him as to why he had a total obstruction. Therefore, he is scheduling an endoscope to see what the inside surface looks like.
Now, throughout this experience, we got a small glimpse into the boys' past pain. We'll start with L. First of all, the boys hadn't been separated since we returned home with them. Yesterday, D watched all of the others and I took L by himself. L seemed a little confused, but was fine. He talked and listened to his music all the way there. However, once inside the hospital, he figured out where he was. His hand immediately went cold. His face and eyes dropped. He got really quiet. Fear was all over him. You see, we were told that he had been in the hospital many times. He had sometimes spent weeks and months there. He never had a visitor! He had been completely and utterly alone. Even grandma and sister, who lived in the same town, had never come to visit. In the office lobby, I was able to interest him in a book, but once inside the examination room, he went cold again. He clung to me. We waited in there for 20-30 minutes for the doctor. I tried to interest him in several things, he didn't want them. He wrapped his arms and legs around me and buried his head in my chest. I cannot explain the pain in that child's eyes. I felt like my insides were going to break in a million pieces watching him. The hurt was so deep.
Now, before we left that morning, I had explained to El that L needed to go to the doctor. That's why he was the only one going with me. I didn't realize what impact that would have on him. When I returned, I found out that he had cried for an hour after we left. They said he would scream really loud and then whimper. This cycle continued. When we got home, El didn't run to Mama like usual. His eyes bugged out, a huge smile came across his face, and he ran to L. He hugged him deeply over and over. I'm assuming that in the past, when L went to the doctor, he didn't come back for long periods of time. I guess when we left that morning, El thought that he was left alone and wouldn't see his twin for a long time. The hurt was so deep.
My heart breaks and the tears flow every time I think about these things. How long will it take to erase the hurt or at least ease it? When they start speaking English, will they be able to talk about their hurt and share their feelings? There are so many questions. As a mama, I just want their hurt to be gone. I told L over and over again yesterday that Mama was with him and it would all be okay. I told him I would never leave him. Did he understand? I doubt it. He doesn't yet know how deep the love of a mother goes. Hopefully one day they will both understand. |
posted by 6blessings @ 6:58 AM  |
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| 13 Comments: |
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That is heartbreaking how their past pain is so deep. I am so glad that you noticed something was wrong at the table! Its incredible everything those boys have been through.
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Kim! Thank heavens you have them now!!!!!! I can only imagine if this were still going. Thank God you were able to rescue them quite literally and they do have a loving home from now on! Blessings to you all and prayers as you walk through this! p.s. a friend of our families son, in his twenties, choked to death on apple peal! She was always telling me to peal the apples before feeding them to the twins.... Could all of his past stomach make a typical choking hazard amplified? Just a thought. God Bless!
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Kim that sounds so awful. Sorry your family had to endure it. It's wonderful that they have each other and now a loving mama and papa. Their love sounds so strong. I hope they do begin to share with you as they grow and learn the language.
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Yes, it can amplify a choking problem. That's what started the spasms he was having. I always peel the apples for the kids, esp. the two new ones. They just assume that it got lodged in some of the scar tissue, blocked everything off and started the spasms.
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Oh how scary for you and the bwins as well. However tough this was, maybe it was a big first step in the boys being able to trust that you will be there for them and will always come back. I'll keep you all in my prayers as you walk through this medical struggle.
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Oh how frightening. I was all teary reading this. And it's hard when you can only make them understand so many of your words -- it's very possible to communicate daily things but the harder concepts are difficult to express. Especially considering they have no pattern for a mother who will always be there for them.
One time last summer my sister (who Peanut adored) walked up behind Peanut and picked him up in a big bear hug. He went stiff with terror. It wasn't normal surprise -- he was completely terrified. When he turned around and saw it was her he kind of smirked and laughed a bit. But then he went and sat on the couch and waved her away when she tried to come near him. He was shaken to the core. It took him over an hour to get over it and when I picked him up that day he just clung to me.
The next day he pulled his shirt off and was pointing to his underarms. I didn't know what he was telling me but then I saw faint scars on both sides. I gasped a bit and looked at him questioningly. He said a lot of words I didn't understand, but I did get "Russia Papa bad. Baaad." And then he imitated being picked up, shook, and thrown. I don't know how that type of abuse created physical scars -- my guess is it was frequent.
Learning about our kids past hurts is so difficult. It's hard to imagine that someone you love so much endured that. But knowing about it is what enables us to help them heal.
You're a wonderful mom, Kim. You'll help El and L heal from all their hurts.
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I can't imagine the agony for you and the boys when you can't communicate your deepest feelings to each other. It is obvious that the boys love and need each other so much...how sweet! Is there anyone you could utilize as a translator perhaps in these situations just to explain what is happening and communicate with them during those confusing times? Perhaps a college student? Just a thought. God Bless!
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Kim,
Life is just busy, crazy and I know we haven't had much time to talk. I have kept up w/you and your family through your blog after you told me how.
It is so soothing to know that you and D have the boys and will give them such a wonderful loving home and to see how crazy the others are about them! I admire you and all that you do and take on. You are one strong, amazing woman!! Your family is truly blessed!
Our prayers are w/you and the boys that the pain they have had and felt in the past will be erased and that the doctors will have the know-how to heal them.
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your experience this past weekend sounds so scary, but also calls out how wonderful it is that they have you now.
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You have got me crying now. I am glad he was ok after they did the xray. It will take some time for them to trust and understand. It will come.
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Somehow I missed this post. I'm so sorry they (and you) had to go through that. But they are very lucky to be in a loving home now, and I hope you and D will be able to ease their pain with love and kindness.
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What a scary, heartbreaking experience! It is so awful to see our kids suffering from past traumas, and to not know what caused their fears or how to ease them. It does get a bit easier as their English becomes more fluent and they are able to discuss their fears, but it is still so hard to see them hurting.
El and L are fortunate to have a family that is dedicated to healing those hurts and giving them all the love they need to overcome their past traumas.
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I am so glad you are there for them now. When Link was in the hospital when he was a baby I would see kids in there alone in the evenings. It was just beyond me how they could get through this alone. I felt a parent should always be with their sick child- at least one parent. You are not just changing their lives, you guys have saved it.
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That is heartbreaking how their past pain is so deep. I am so glad that you noticed something was wrong at the table! Its incredible everything those boys have been through.